The Frustration of Miscommunication
"Your expense reports are a mess, as usual. Can't you pay any attention to detail at all? It's frustrating to deal with this every time." That's a real email from a line manager I had a long time ago, that I can remember nearly word for word. I remember how it hit me emotionally and how it made me feel. His Expenses system was a mess, the expense codes were duplicated, and the system would show "recently used" codes first, so kept showing me the wrong ones I'd used last time. I had two different company cards, one for "Expenses" and another for "Procurement", and I could never quite work out whether buying a network cable at Currys to solve a problem that needed an immediate solution was either an Expense or a Procurement. I was covering for two colleague's absences, and I had too much work on, so I did my expenses in a rush, made an error, and got this email, and I snapped. What followed was probably one of the worst arguments - in the middle of an open plan office - of my entire career, and, frankly, I'm surprised that either of us kept our jobs. Worst of all, we didn’t fix any of the root cause problems.
The Importance of Interrupts (Triggers)
Before we dive into Clean Language and how it can transform daily communication, let's talk about "Interrupts" or "Triggers." Knowing a framework is pointless if we forget to apply it when we need it most. In today's world, we're bombarded with prompts, stimuli, and attention-grabbers. It's easy for our fast-thinking minds to take control when our slow-thinking minds should be at the helm. I know it's happening to me when my communication becomes automatic and emotional, and I feel compelled to include "everything" in an email or presentation, rather than focusing on the essential points. For me, identifying when my fast mind takes over is crucial. When my emotional "Elephant" dominates, it's time to interrupt that pattern and return to a communication method that works. I've been trying hard to recognise when my mind starts to respond emotionally, instinctively, and to remind myself to stop, think, use my frameworks. I call it an interrupt, which takes me back to my days learning Assembly at at College... I digress...
Seeking Help from an Executive Coach
For a while now, I've had an Exec Coach. I spoke to a Director friend of mine...
"I realise this is going well, I know I'm getting results, and I know if nothing changes, then people are getting what they need from me. It just doesn’t feel like it needs to be this hard."
I sought help because even though I was making progress and often doing tasks others couldn't or wouldn't, the emotional toll was draining. I felt constantly in conflict, like I was banging my head against closed doors. Cue a few referrals through a few systems, and boom, I'm on a video call with a successful - also neurodiverse - coach.
A Coach's Wake-Up Call My coach didn't literally slap me, but her words felt like a wake-up call. Sometimes, we need that jolt to return to reality. She reminded me of my accomplishments and suggested that my skill might be in facilitating conversations and interventions that keep people on track, and that set to bed my fear and imposter syndrome, exacerbated by the feeling of failure that I'd had to reach out for help. (Which, I now realise, was just a stupid thought in the first place)
We spend a bunch of time examining my communication style when I'm under stress - and in a pressurised corporate IT environment, there's no shortage of those occasions - and as I read through some examples of good and bad comms, a book from my past came to mind. The Elephant and the Rider: Managing Both Sides Chip and Dan Heath, in their book "Switch: How to Change Things when Change is Hard," use Haidt's concept of the Elephant and the Rider. I read this book in the dim, distant past (look them up, "Decisive" was really great, or maybe don’t look it up, it's kinda up to you. I dunno…) when I was trying to learn the psychology of good project management. In the imagery, our brain is divided into two parts - the rider represents our rational, thinking mind, the bit that plans, and sets goals, and makes logical and reasoned decisions. The Elephant symbolizes our emotions, feelings, instincts, and immediate needs. The authors argue that when trying to change yourself, you need to address both the Elephant and the Rider. My take here is that this applies to project management, people management, and business change management too… the Rider is providing direction and rational planning, but the Elephant provides the motivation and power to move, and changing anything needs motivation and movement. The metaphor goes that if the Elephant acts in isolation, then the Rider is going somewhere they didn’t intend. If the Rider acts in isolation, then they're both going nowhere. Two Minds, Two Approaches: Fast and Slow Thinking In this imagery, the Rider is fast, agile, a human, capable of processing, thinking, planning. The Elephant is a big, purposeful, powerhouse. I love the imagery because it reminds me that there's *two* parts (at least!) to every thought, action, process, and so on. Daniel Kahneman, in his book "Thinking, Fast and Slow," addresses a similar concept. In his book, the "fast" mind is the quick, intuitive, emotional response, and the "slow" mind is the rational, logical side, which plans, sets goals, and so on. By this point, my coach watched my mind starting to unravel a particularly tricky pattern that I should've spotted many years ago. The Power of the Fast Mind When I become overwhelmed or stressed, my fast mind takes over. It reacts quickly, relying on intuition and emotions. It's a powerful and creative force, but it's also prone to errors and misjudgments. I address it with structure, and I fill in my deficiencies with super talented people around me, and I really rely on a team ethos. On the other hand, the slow mind is brilliant but deliberate. By pausing for a moment, I allow my rational mind to kick in. It questions assumptions, considers alternatives, and evaluates situations more thoroughly. For me, the slow mind sometimes needs kicking in manually. Like many people, I become unguarded when overwhelmed, responding to provocative emails either with forensic detail or brutal bluntness, often without considering the consequences - I've certainly sent those, and I've definitely received those types of emails.
Enter "Clean Language" My Coach introduced me to clean language - it's not just a tool, it's a bit of a way of thinking. The basic premise is that Clean Language communication is rooted in clarity, respect, and mutual understanding. It's not the opposite of swearing ("dirty language"!), rather, it’s the opposite of emotive language. Examples of Clean Language Consider these examples - and yes, these are intentionally distortions of real life conversations, to show the point… Clean Language is *not* about speaking like a robot!!
Example 1: Confrontational Language
To: Rick Cipient From: S. Ender Subject: Meeting Rescheduling Rick, I can't believe you want to reschedule the meeting again. This is getting ridiculous. Why can't we stick to a plan? Your constant changes disrupt everything. Steve
Example 2: Collaborative Language
To: Rick Cipient From: S. Ender Subject: Meeting Rescheduling Hi Rick, I noticed you'd like to discuss rescheduling the meeting. Could you please share your reasons for this change? I want to ensure we make the best decision for everyone involved. Regards, Steve
Interpreting the Examples
From Steve [S.Ender] perspective:
Example 1 is confrontational and accusatory, and Steve's frustration is made clear with emotive language like "I can't believe…" and "This is ridiculous." Steve is assuming that the request to reschedule has some kind of negative intent. The removal of "Regards" passively aggressively indicates maximum rage. Example 2 is more neutral and shows respect. Steve acknowledges the ask (to reschedule the meeting) without being judgmental. The question - "can you share your reasons" is inquisitive, searching, and open, and shows a willingness to understand. It avoids passing judgment.
From Rick Cipient's perspective:
Let's add some context: lets say that Rick needs to rearrange because of a Doctors appointment that he can't move, because he's tried. [Don’t worry, Rick's ok - he's fictitious] Example 1 is likely to be read in an aggressive tone, which is how it is written. Rick might react calmly, with a "because of a doctor's appointment that I can't move," or might react with a "actually who do you think you are?" Either way, Rick is likely to feel some ill-thought about Steve, not just because of the tone of the email, but also because of the accusatory nature. Rick might feel "prickled" or defensive, and might be more inclined to avoid Steve where possible - the sharp language will inevitably create tension, and potentially further conflict.
Example 2 is difficult to be offended by. Rick will note that Steve understands the ask (and will correct the ask if it's been misunderstood), and has the chance to explain - if appropriate - that he has a conflicting appointment. If the meeting has been rearranged repeatedly, Rick can explain why, and might be able to offer up other solutions… maybe meet non-synchronously (e.g. instant message, in non-realtime), maybe meet a different time, maybe combine two meetings.
Example 2 expresses a more open and collaborative atmosphere. Example 1 might solve the problem, but at what cost? And if there's a genuine issue, how can Steve possible execute a controlled escalation from his already frustrated position?
Implementing Clean Language
Embracing Clean Language is reasonably straightforward, if you can spot the signs of emotive responses, pause the emotional Elephant (fast brain) for a quick second, and let the slow brain Rider kick in. It is exemplified by open-questions, exploratory discussion, and avoiding unnecessary clash of viewpoints (although don’t get me wrong, I think there are absolutely times and places for "Push," assertive communication… the point is that it's intentional and controlled, rather than accidental).
Practicing Clean Language isn't about memorizing phrases or speaking like a robot, or talking in corporatism's, and it's not about giving up your personality. It's about communicating deliberately and intentionally. It needs active listening, empathy, and real curiosity to get clear on "what the other person is saying."
I've dropped the ball on this a few times over the years, and some of my worst comms, I've got pinned to my desktop, and I read them now and again to remind me to stay on task.
The Future of Clean Language: Technology Integration
I think there's definitely a technical solution to this very human problem.
Looking ahead, I envision that Random Creation House, will build a plugin, probably for Microsoft Outlook, maybe using Azure Text Analytics, so that just in the same way we can have spellcheck looking for typos, and grammar check looking for syntax or semantic errors, Sentiment Check can underline Unclean Language, show the Sentiment Temperature on the tool bar, and maybe even show a "200 words, 1 minute read time" on the task bar too. It'll help us - all of us - to catch when we're reacting emotionally, and help people like me to catch when they're oversharing or being too verbose! Maybe it'll use Azure's generative AI services to help to provide coaching prompts, or suggest paragraph rewording. Maybe we'll find a way to set user-interrupt-preferences… so if a Sentiment Score is less than a certain percentage, it'll throw an alert before sending, in the same way you see a popup if you forget to add an attachment. Maybe we'll try to build something similar as a Microsoft Teams plugin for text chat support too? If you're interested in helping or contributing to this in some way, then please get in touch!
Further Reading Recommendations
In the meantime, if you want to learn more about Clean Language, here's a couple of book recommendations that provide some background into the philosophy of Clean Language and include insights and techniques you can use day to day:
[Disclosure: these Amazon affiliate links, so if you buy something from the list, we may get a small commission. We only endorse things that we personally use and highly recommend]
"Clean Language: Revealing Metaphors and Opening Minds" by Wendy Sullivan and Judy Rees
"From Contempt to Curiosity: Creating the Conditions for Groups to Collaborate Using Clean Language and Systemic Modeling" by Caitlin Walker
Conclusion: Transforming Communication for All
In conclusion, Clean Language isn't just a technique – it's a philosophy that can reshape communication between neurodiverse and neurotypical individuals alike. Whether you're navigating ADHD or simply aiming to enhance your business communication, Clean Language offers invaluable tools for solving complex problems while fostering genuine connections. Have you encountered similar communication challenges? Do you believe Clean Language could have helped in those situations? Would you like to join our efforts to integrate Clean Language into technology? Share your thoughts in the comments or connect with me on LinkedIn.
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